Saturday, 19 June 2010

Feeling Useless.

Hello hello,

I'm feeling completely rubbish today. Over the past week and a half, since the sex and the city cinema trip when my sugar's suddenly decided it was time to rebel, as if plain old diabetes wasn't doing me enough and they just wanted to cause a bit of mayhem. Seeing the 20.7 on the screen last Wednesday night wasn't pleasant and a sight I hoped I wouldn't be greeted with again for a long time again. Well, today's new record was 22.4. Delightful. I was feeling awful and tested at work, actually thinking I'd gone a bit low. Once again I panicked. That number scared me a lot. And when I'm scared I either try and tough it out and act fine. Or I completely break down and cry. Well, option 2 happened today... to be honest I'm seeing more and more of option two these days.

I've been trying so hard this past week. I've been eating meals at my exact regulated times, I've dusted off the wii fit and I've tried my hardest to stay positive despite a few high numbers. There's been a few really good days and I finally thought I was breaking through the wall of highs... then you get hit with a 22.4 and I just thought.

Oh Fuck Off.

So, I found myself once again in the office at work, crying my eyeliner all down my face, frantically phoning my mother, leaving after only an hours work and once again feeling completely and utterly useless. I know I could work there hard and a lot and be more competent if it weren't for events like this that just make me look ridiculous, weak and, to be honest, just a big pain in the arse. It's a wonder anyone continues to employ me.

I'm feeling like a useless diabetic, my erratic sugar's make me feel like I'm failing at it.
I'm feeling like a useless employee; crying sessions, sugar check breaks and sick days.
I'm feeling like a useless daughter, worrying my Mam when she has enough to think about already.
I'm even feeling like a useless friend and girlfriend. I can't even be bothered with myself anymore, so its a wonder that anyone else does.

I'm no fun anymore and I'm just no use.

All my determination to not let this disease affect me is just withering away at a rapid rate. I'm just fed up with it.

I'd like to be me again, but it seems for now, I'm just stuck with feeling like a useless, sad old puppet with a cruel puppet master named diabetes pulling my strings and making me do a sorry dance.


Friday, 11 June 2010

A sunshiney smile all packed up in a little number.


Quick post just to tell you why I'm feeling a little better and more optimistic tonight than I have been for the past few days. It's too soon to tell if this means that all my values are going to be back on track, but its definitely a good sign anyway.

There's a lot of numbers that make me sad. My bank balance always fails to raise a smile. The number of pounds the wii fit tells me I've put on in a week never fails to annoy. The number of chores on the lists that I get left. The number of pounds that that gorgeous dress in Topshop costs. Maths at school was always my worst subject, so numbers have never really been my friend. Plenty of numbers leave a sour taste behind, including the 20.7 that my contour meter presented to me on Wednesday night.

Today, a number made me smile. A lot.

Before tea today. Definitely expecting a high reading considering the past few days and the fact that it was 17.6 at 3pm today. Oh well, let's test and get it over with I thought. Strip in machine. Beep. Pricker loaded. Prick. Squeeze. Blood sucked into strip.




The contour display should've definitely read;

5.4 :) :) :)

Lets hope the smiley numbers continue. Fingers crossed.

Thanks for reading.

Thursday, 10 June 2010

One Step Forward... And Two Steps Back.

Hello hello,

I feel like I am basically fighting a losing battle with this thing actually. A LO reading two days ago to a reading of 20.7 last night just seems impossibly ridiculous to deal with. Both suggesting opposite changes to my regime. Both making me feel terrible. And both making me very upset and frustrated. What was a very lovely reunion with some friends that I haven't seen for ages turned sour and, once again, I ended up crying. Well, more like sobbing really, I'm really despairing now. Lots of water, lots of trips to the toilet and lots of the sky planner watched just to keep me awake. Stayed up till 3.30am watching them slowly go down, but still waking on 11 this morning wasn't what I'd hoped for.

I'm tired and angry and upset.
And today is a day where I just need my pancreas to buck its ideas up and start working properly again.

Not one to think of things in big scary terms, I never usually even consider the term "forever." But right now, living with diabetes "forever" just seems impossible.

Tomorrow, I might say I'm determined to get back on track and tackle these blood sugars head on. But today. Well today I'm just frazzled. I have't the energy or the attitude to tackle anything head on today.

Cuddles would be lovely.


Monday, 7 June 2010

Shorty got LO LO LO LO....

Hello everyone,

Well, I'm going to ignore the topic I was originally going to blog about today after being diverted by a particularly crappy day today. I ventured into town today, mainly just to go to River Island for a certain blazer, which is actually gorgeous and incidentally they didn't actually have any size 12's left in stock, which was very annoying. Anyway, blazer issues aside, I had the scariest incident so far on my diabetes journey. I'd gone into and out of River Island after my unsuccessful blazer hunt and was feeling disheartened and in that sort of mood when you can't be bothered. So, I started the walk back to my car and started to feel very very wobbly. Stopped in the street to test. 5,4,3...hurry up, 2, 1...



I was very scared, immediately panicked, especially as I was by myself. I dug out the lucozade and started desperately guzzling it. Then I walked into the nearest shop, happened to be a Fatso's sandwich shop, just to seek a bit of reassurance that I would be somewhere safe in case anything happened. I explained in a shaking voice "Hi, I was wondering if you could just keep an eye on me, I'm diabetic and my sugar's really low." The two women in the shop were extremely friendly and helpful and they let me sit behind the counter (on a box of potatoes because they didn't have any chairs) and checked that I was ok. I felt like a bit of a tool asking for help but I knew it was the best thing to do, and I'm actually proud of myself for being brave enough to ask. Even though the short flash of confidence only came because I was in such a panic. They let me sit there until I felt well enough, were really sweet about it all, and they gave me a few bottles of lucozade to replace the 1 and a half I'd guzzled down.

I always say how much I appreciate my friends and family helping me out, but this has shown me that the kindness of random strangers can also be incredibly important and invaluable when it comes to diabetes. Although, I can't knock the support of my friends and family again today. One of my friends was already in town from college so he came and met me and I felt much safer once he was around. Also our chat and drive home cheered me up a lot. My Mam was also just on the end of the phone, and was even going to come and collect me from town if I didn't feel well enough to drive. My boyfriend was then on hand later on for kisses, cuddles and very cold hands that made my headache a little better. Once again they all came up trumps and I couldn't love them any more.

Anyway, far too much lucozade, a massive over correction and a lot of despairing later I haven't yet seen below ten, the highest being 16.4. I have a horrible headache, I'm in a really shitty mood, I'm weeing like a tap that's jammed on and today has officially been marked down as a diabetic downer. A low point. Hang on, a "lo" point.

I'm scared it's going to make me even more anxious about everything and even more scared of hypos. I'm scared that I managed to get that low before I realised. I'm despairing over it all again. I really really don't want this relentless condition any more. Ohh, I could cry right now, but I won't. I'm very concious that I cry too much as it is.

So, maybe I should remember my principles and try and make today seem a little better by taking all the good things from it, however little they may be. Erm.. let me think. Seeing Adam again. Antony hugs. Oh, and the title of this blog entry, it's genius if I do say so myself.

So, I best get back to my night; snuggled up on the sofa with my duvet and lots of layers, watching tv, trying to get rid of this headache and feeling sorry for myself.
Tomorrow's a new day I guess.

Thanks for reading.

Ps. I could really use a hug right now please. This cartoon (right) made me go aww.

Friday, 4 June 2010

Refreshingly Guilt Free.

Hello everyone,

Well, here we are, the first post of June. I can't believe how quickly time is going at the moment, really can't get over the fact that its been nearly 7 months since I was diagnosed. So much has changed in the past 9 months, and I feel like I've had to grow up and face some harsh realities pretty quickly, but we'll leave that to be the topic of my next post, it's definitely too late to get that deep now!

The past few days have been pretty gorgeous if I'm honest. We've once again been blessed with some really beautiful weather, and that means that I've been making full use of my garden and just generally relaxing. I went for a late night beach trip with my boyfriend last night, which was very lovely except for a bit of a wobbly moment in some woods. Incidentally it turned out I wasn't actually hypo... I was just feeling a bit wobbly, but it scared me nonetheless. Also, there's something about the beach in the night time light with someone you actually adore when you're feeling so relaxed and happy... well, there's something about all that that makes me very soppy and sentimental. I ended up giving a bit of a speech. I delved deep into the topic of how I feel about my parents splitting up and then went on to ramble about just about everything meaningful and slushy. Finally I finished on the groundbreakingly soppy "If there's one good thing to come out of all of this, then it's you." Aww, I'm sweet. Don't worry, I'll give you a second while you go and throw up. But I'm glad I said what I did, I meant every word. Oxford, diabetes, my parents breaking up, it's all highlighted just how important certain people are in my life. And I like to let them know every once in a while.

Apart from bringing out my incredibly soft centre, the sun has also made me extra clumsy. Today I knocked a tray of sauce pots all over the floor at work.. after just spending half an hour filling them. That's just one of many stupidly clumsy things that I manage to do on a daily basis. Had a major lucozade explosion the other day; in the chemist! I only wanted a sip and the bottle happily exploded very noisily and energetically all over the floor of the very packed chemist. I had to run outside to stop a rather large puddle from forming on the floor. A sticky chemist carpet, a few disapproving looks and a ruined pair of tights later, I was in the car ready to go home. Trying to test my sugar with lucozade stained hands was virtually impossible! I attempted to wash my hands with a bottle of water, but a reading of 13.5 told me that sugar was still lurking on my fingers. A retest at home at 7.something confirmed this. Needless to say I won't be showing my face in the chemists for a while.... oh wait, I'll be there next week picking up more strips. Eeek.

Anyway, now to the, very minor, point of this entry; ice pops. In the sunshine, ice pops are always a must in a freezer, tasty, refreshing and without the messiness or fat content of ice cream. I rejoiced the other day when my mam returned home from shopping with a packet of SUGAR FREE ice pops; Calispo Icicles. They're basically just frozen flavoured mineral water, they taste rather good and, best of all, they're completely guilt free. Guilt comes into play a lot with diabetes; feeling guilty for not doing that test, or doing the test that didn't really need doing in my case, feeling guilty for high figures, or for letting yourself go low, feeling guilty for eating that thing that you really shouldn't have... and the list goes on. So, maybe the packaging should say "guilt free" alongside "sugar free." Ice pops that I can eat; actually made my day.

See. I told you it was the little things that did it for me....

Thanks for reading.