Saturday, 19 June 2010

Feeling Useless.

Hello hello,

I'm feeling completely rubbish today. Over the past week and a half, since the sex and the city cinema trip when my sugar's suddenly decided it was time to rebel, as if plain old diabetes wasn't doing me enough and they just wanted to cause a bit of mayhem. Seeing the 20.7 on the screen last Wednesday night wasn't pleasant and a sight I hoped I wouldn't be greeted with again for a long time again. Well, today's new record was 22.4. Delightful. I was feeling awful and tested at work, actually thinking I'd gone a bit low. Once again I panicked. That number scared me a lot. And when I'm scared I either try and tough it out and act fine. Or I completely break down and cry. Well, option 2 happened today... to be honest I'm seeing more and more of option two these days.

I've been trying so hard this past week. I've been eating meals at my exact regulated times, I've dusted off the wii fit and I've tried my hardest to stay positive despite a few high numbers. There's been a few really good days and I finally thought I was breaking through the wall of highs... then you get hit with a 22.4 and I just thought.

Oh Fuck Off.

So, I found myself once again in the office at work, crying my eyeliner all down my face, frantically phoning my mother, leaving after only an hours work and once again feeling completely and utterly useless. I know I could work there hard and a lot and be more competent if it weren't for events like this that just make me look ridiculous, weak and, to be honest, just a big pain in the arse. It's a wonder anyone continues to employ me.

I'm feeling like a useless diabetic, my erratic sugar's make me feel like I'm failing at it.
I'm feeling like a useless employee; crying sessions, sugar check breaks and sick days.
I'm feeling like a useless daughter, worrying my Mam when she has enough to think about already.
I'm even feeling like a useless friend and girlfriend. I can't even be bothered with myself anymore, so its a wonder that anyone else does.

I'm no fun anymore and I'm just no use.

All my determination to not let this disease affect me is just withering away at a rapid rate. I'm just fed up with it.

I'd like to be me again, but it seems for now, I'm just stuck with feeling like a useless, sad old puppet with a cruel puppet master named diabetes pulling my strings and making me do a sorry dance.



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