Thursday, 20 May 2010

The Blame game.

Hello again,

Have you ever actually wondered what the point of blame is? The blame game is one played out in so many situations; some of where this is a definite candidate for blame to be laid on, others where the lines are a little more blurry and blame become a little more subjective and finally the situations where no blame can be lain yet there's still those trying desperately to place it.

For me the blame game has only really came into play on a few tiny occasions since my diagnosis. I can't ever recall having a defining moment where I sat down to consider who or what was to blame for my condition, but honestly I don't think it ever happens like that. The subject of blame concerning my diabetes instead has crept in at the times when I've been most vulnerable and searching for an answer, a culprit, a scapegoat to allow me to be rid of the responsibilities that diabetes has brought me.

My first attempt at laying blame came on the day of my diagnosis. Sitting in the hospital and allowing it all to sink I, I remember thinking "This is all my fault." Of course I knew by then that type one diabetes wasn't attributed to self damage and bad lifestyle choices but I still found a way to blame myself. I mainly blamed myself for having such morbid thoughts during my time at Oxford, stupidly convinced myself that that was the reason I'd been diagnosed. Punishment I guess.

I quickly realised that blaming myself wasn't helping anyone. Since then I've only had fleeting moments of searching for something to blame. Searching is the key word there as I've never really had much luck. I could blame the stress of Oxford for triggering it, I could blame bad luck, I could even just go directly to the source and blame my pancreas and my immune system for attacking it. But all of these sources of blame have had very low longevity in my mind. Partly because I don't really believe any of them are completely valid places to lay blame. And mainly because I don't think that deep down I really need something to blame.

I've come to realise now that through this process so far blame has been used as a defence mechanism for my mind. It was an attempt at a way to escape the responsibility of diabetes by trying to pass it over to something, or someone else. It's been a way to channel the anger that goes hand in hand with the days when I just really feel hatred towards my condition. And most of all it's been a way to try and understand the big question that always comes with any bad thing that happens to anyone; Why Me?

I guess the real question we should all ask is "Why not me?"

The healthiest way to deal with the blame game in diabetes in my opinion is to take it out of the equation. Trying to find something to blame for why diabetes chose you is a long, slippery slope that inevitably leads to a dead end.

In endeavour to keep positivity thriving in regards to my diabetes I'm officially cutting blame out of the picture.

On the other hand... I don't see the problem in trying to find the culprit who left my R-Pattz carboard cutout right in front of my door to scare me.... now, for that, my little brother is definitely to blame! ;)

Thanks for reading.



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